


Banana Split

by ficmuse



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Sex Tapes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 19:16:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9917885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ficmuse/pseuds/ficmuse
Summary: When Chloe inadvertently watches Lucifer's sex tape, it drastically changes how she sees him.Set during 2x11





	

“A courier dropped this off for you.”

“Thanks.” Chloe took the padded envelope from the desk sergeant and walked back to her desk. She checked her email and voicemail, and then opened the envelope. Inside was a DVD in a plastic case and a note printed on hot pink paper.

_I believe this will help you with your investigation. The brunette woman in the video is Jana Lawrence. I’m the blonde. I have a very high profile job and I can’t risk being connected to this. However, I can’t in good conscience let a killer go free. If it’s absolutely necessary that you need my testimony to convict Jana’s murderer, you can email me at secret2799@yahoo.com._

She slipped on a pair of rubber gloves, took an evidence bag from her desk and sealed the envelope and the note inside.

Chloe carried the evidence into Ella’s lab. “We got a DVD and a note, connected to that stewardess murder investigation.”

Ella took it from her. “Let me dust the case for prints. What’s on the disc?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’ll have to burn a digital copy. We need to dust the disc for prints and it may make it unplayable.” Ella connected a DVD player to her computer and set it all up. They put the disc in the player and it began to play.

It was a hotel room. Someone was adjusting a camera on a tripod. “Can you see the whole bed?” A blonde in a black bra and panties sat in the middle of a California King, smiling at the camera.

“Yep. You look hot as hell, too,” said another female voice.

“Ladies, just the bed? Your lack of imagination saddens me.” It was a British accent, off screen. Lucifer strolled into frame; he was naked, fully erect and holding a glass of champagne.

“Turn it off! Turn it off!” Chloe yelled.

“Oh shit!” Ella looked at the screen with horror. The recording continued to play. “I can’t turn it off! I have to burn the copy!”

“I think we should discuss up against the wall, perhaps over this table.” Lucifer leered at the camera. “So, would you lovely girls like to get started?”

The other girl came out from behind the camera. She was totally naked. The three of them rolled onto the bed together.

“Turn off the monitor so we can’t see it,” Chloe suggested.

“We have to watch it, it is evidence!” Ella had her fingers over her eyes, peeking through. “Oh, sweet Jesus.”

“Oh God.” Chloe covered her mouth.

“Are you guys okay?” Dan stood in the doorway, his brow furrowed. “I heard you screaming, Clo.”

“Nope, everything’s fine. You can go.” Chloe stepped in front of him, trying to block his view.

Gasps and moans filled the air. Dan leaned around Chloe and saw the screen. He raised his eyebrows. “You guys are watching porn?”

“It’s evidence,” said Chloe. “It came by courier. I didn’t know what it was.”

Ella tilted her head. “Wow, Lucifer must do yoga. Like, a lot of yoga. He’s really bendy.”

“Someone sent in Lucifer’s sex tape?” asked Dan.

Chloe handed him the note. “It’s part of the stewardess case.”

“This might be important. Yeah, we have to watch it," said Dan.

“This feels so totally inappropriate,” said Chloe.

“Of course it’s inappropriate. It’s Lucifer,” said Dan. “He wouldn’t know appropriate if it slapped him upside his head.”

“If it’s part of the investigation, I need to watch it.”

So the three of them watched, in awkward silence, as Lucifer and the two ladies had a very naked time together.

“Is Lucifer double-jointed?” asked Ella. “Knees don’t usually bend like that.”

Chloe leaned forward. “Looks that way. Man, that does not look comfortable.” After thirty minutes, she pulled up a chair. “I’m tired, and I’m only watching this.”

“It’s Viagra, right?” Dan said. “I mean, that’s just...not right.”

“Maybe he has priapism?” Ella suggested. “Maybe his...junk is like that all the time and we just didn’t notice before?”

“Oh, I would have noticed,” Chloe said, biting her thumb. Dan shot her a look. “Oh come on. Seriously, Dan, look at that thing.” She gestured at the screen.

Thirty minutes later, the squealing began. “What he is squirting on them?”

“Whipped cream,” said Dan.

“Are those...maraschino cherries?”

“Yep.”

“Here comes the hot fudge,” said Dan.

“What’s that white stuff?” The girls in the video let out a high-pitched squeal.

“It’s ice cream. Oh my God!” screamed Ella. “It’s a banana split! They’re making a banana split!”

“There’s no banana,“ said Dan. Seconds later, the three of them yelled. “Holy crap, Lucifer is the banana!”

“Dude, they are all going to Hell,” said Ella.

“Leave it to Lucifer to ruin ice cream for me,” Dan said. “God, that’s just gross.”

“I think it looks kind of fun,” said Chloe.

“I was married to you for ten years,” said Dan. “We get divorced and now you’re willing to try the kinky stuff?” She reached over and slapped his leg. “Seriously, Chloe. They’re going to have to replace those sheets. That’s not coming out in the wash.”

“I don’t think laundry is really on their radar,” said Chloe.

*****

Ella walked into the ladies room and splashed her face with cold water. She decided she needed to take a breather.

She took a walk down the street to her favorite coffee shop. She ordered a chai latte and a madeleine. As she ate, she thought about what was the right thing to do. What would God want her to do?

She placed a phone call. “Hi, Father Flanagan. It’s Ella. I’m fine. How are you? Yep, I’m still on deck for Eucharistic adoration tonight. Yes, totally, I would not miss it. So, I have a question. Is that Catholic Singles group still meeting in our diocese? Do you know when the next meeting is? Sure, I’ll hold.” She pulled an appointment book from her purse. “Wednesday at seven at St. Luke’s? Super. I’ll be there. Yes, I’m ready to start seriously looking for a husband. It’s time. Thanks!”

She hung up and placed another call. “Hey, Kate. Are you still doing that Catholic singles dating app? Uh huh. Have you met anyone that you didn’t click with, that you might send my way? I’m totally ready to find Mr. Right and have him punch my v-card.”

*****

“You seem a bit distant, Detective. I’ve repeated myself three times but you don’t seem to be listening.”

Chloe looked up and met Lucifer’s eyes. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“Case in point. What is with you today? You’re not yourself.”

She still could not look at Lucifer without imagining him covered in whipped cream. “We looked into it and it turns out that it’s not really relevant to the investigation.”

“Looked into what?” he asked.

“I’m sorry, I’m a little unfocused.” She licked her lips. “Someone sent us a recording of you and two of your... lady friends.”

“A recording of what?”

“A sex tape, Lucifer.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Oh, I see. That’s what’s captured your attention. You’re thinking about my sex tape!”

“I am. I’m really sorry. It’s totally unprofessional. I need to go home and read the Bible. Or go to confession, and I’m not even Catholic. I mean, seriously Lucifer, you are one perverted little monkey.”

“Little?” He frowned, offended.

“Well, no. I mean, holy crap no, you are far from little.”

He grinned at her. “So, did you like what you saw, detective?”

Chloe was dying inside. She could feel the blush radiating up her face. “Look, I’m so sorry. This is totally unprofessional.” She realized that she was acting like a complete idiot and she couldn’t make it stop. “Look, it’s not like I didn’t know you have sex. So much sex. Sex with the entire population of L.A. Hallways full of men, women. It should be no surprise that you like kinky, weird sex. Putting food where food should not go, like, ever.”

He watched her fall apart, his forehead wrinkling. “Seeing me having sex has upset you. I’m very sorry.”

“I’m not upset!” She knocked over her pen cup, spilling them all over her desk. He helped her clean it up. His hand brushed against hers and she stood up from the chair, moving away from him.

“But you are. You are, clearly, very upset indeed.”

“Nope. Nope.” She walked to the break room. “Just need some coffee.”

He followed her and watched as she made her drink. She sat down, took two sips, looked at him, looked away, and then jumped up and went over to the vending machine.

It ate her money. “This stupid machine!” She banged it. Nothing happened. She banged. Banged it. Banged it again. “Stupid piece of junk!” She grabbed it with both hands and shook the stupid thing.

“Chloe! You’re going to make the bloody thing fall on you. Stop!” He put his hand on her shoulder and she jerked away. “You are clearly very, very upset. Are you jealous? Is that what this is about?”

“We’re not dating, Lucifer. We’re just partners, at work. I have no right to be jealous. None.”

“But we were on the cusp of something more, until Jana showed up. You were upset enough, about that. But seeing the tape really seems to have thrown you off.”

“Well, I think this is a blessing in disguise, really. It would never work between us. You know it. I know it. We have absolutely nothing in common. I’m sorry, I have to go.” She grabbed her cup of coffee and left.

****

Lucifer shook the snack machine. He wanted to retrieve Chloe’s candy bar, bring it to her as a peace offering. He shook the damn thing. First gently, and then harder. Then he just gave up and kicked it very hard, rocking it away from the wall entirely. Chloe’s Snickers bar fell out, as well as two other snacks. Lucifer gathered them up in his arms.

“You eat a lot of junk food.” Dan was behind him. “How do you stay in shape? Do you go to the gym every day?”

“Never.” Lucifer took a bite of a Snickers bar. “Too boring.”

Dan tilted his head. “I mean, no one has abs like that from just eating junk and not going to the gym. You have really nice definition.”

“Are you hitting on me, Dan?”

Dan took a step back. “Whoa! No. It’s just that I was thinking...”

Lucifer sighed. “Chloe ran away from me earlier. She was being very odd. Now you are. It’s the sex tape. You saw it too, didn’t you?"

“I had to; it was evidence. It’s not like I wanted to watch you do...that stuff.”

“I see.”

There was a long pause. “How did you get all these women to have sex with you?” Dan asked.

“And men,” said Lucifer. “I’m bisexual.”

“Right.” Dan cleared his throat. “Seriously, what’s your secret?”

“Be fun. The only rule is that everyone has to have a good time.”

“Sex isn’t supposed to be just for fun,” said Dan.

“Well, that explains your divorce.” Dan glared at him. “Sorry, sorry. But really, sex should be fun. What’s the point if it is not?”

“It’s about having feelings. Having a commitment. Really connecting with someone else, like on a deeper level.”

“So your night with Charlotte, that was all about commitment? You’ll be sending out the wedding invitations any time now?” Lucifer was still annoyed by Dan’s.... liaison with Mother.

“That was...not my usual thing.”

“How many women have you been with since your separation?”

Dan looked over his shoulder. “Five,” he said in a low voice. “But that’s out of like fifty dates off my dating app.”

“You’re only getting laid ten percent of the time? That’s a travesty, Dan.”

“I don’t think I’m really great at being single. Dating seriously sucks. I thought you might have some words of wisdom.” He sighed. “But I want a nice woman to date, not the kind of skanky chicks that do ...stuff with you.”

“You have a virgin/whore complex, my friend. Bad girls, the kinds of girls that come to Lux, girls that openly want sex, you don’t respect them. You want to get laid, but you feel you have to sugar coat it with dates, with dinner and flowers first. You apparently aren’t confident enough to spell out what you want. That probably came into play, with your marriage.”

“Not that it is any of your business, but work was the problem. Not intimacy.”

“So, intimacy at home was just great? Everything was running like clockwork in that area? Everyone having fantastic orgasms?”

Dan blinked. “When you’ve been married for years and have a kid, it’s not about that. It’s about connecting. Being present for each other. Showing appreciation.”

“That to me sounds like: boring, boring sex. Same position every time, probably, or just a couple. Maybe something a little more exciting on a special occasion, like a negligee or a skin flick. I bet you had a reminder on your Google calendar for sex, like picking up the dry cleaning.”

Dan was not amused. “I should have known better than to talk to you.” He turned to leave.

“Some words of advice. Truly.” Dan turned and looked at Lucifer warily. “Be totally upfront about what you’re looking for. Find someone who makes your bits feel all tingly and buy her a drink. If it is just a hookup, so what? There's nothing wrong with a few hours of lust. You can tell her your kinks, your preferences, see if there’s some common ground. There’s no shame in that. Wear a rubber; be safe. If the sex is not so great, well, even bad sex is better than no sex at all. Or so I hear. But if you hook up and you hit it off, you can ask her out again. Maybe you’ll meet the next Mrs. Dan.”

******

Lucifer knocked on the door of Chloe’s apartment. She opened the door, and he displayed a pizza and a two-liter of soda.

“I come in peace and bring food as a offering to appease you.”

“You didn’t need to bring me anything, Lucifer.”

He walked in and they sat down at the kitchen table.

“Is that a pizza?” Trixie came over. “I want pizza.”

“You’re going to the carnival with Maze,” said Chloe. “I’m staying home.”

“Are you having a mental health night, Mommy?”

Chloe smiled. “Yes, monkey. I’m taking a little me time.”

Trixie kissed her mom’s cheek. “You could paint your toenails a fun color. Or take a bath with a fizzy bomb.”

“Those are great ideas, sweetie.”

Maze came out. “Oh hey, pizza.” She grabbed a slice and stuffed it in her mouth.

“Hello to you, Maze,” said Lucifer.

Maze turned to Chloe. “I thought you wanted alone time, but Lucifer’s here.” She tilted her head. “Hey Trixie, go get your jacket.”

“Okay.” The child went off to retrieve it.

Maze leaned over. “You need to do a really good job, Lucifer. She hasn’t had any sex for eight months. She needs orgasms. Really, really badly.”

“Shut up, Maze!” Chloe blushed furiously.

“I’m ready to go!” Trixie came back. She hugged her mom, and then hugged Lucifer. Maze and Trixie left.

“Eight months?” Lucifer asked. “Really?”

“Don’t make me throw you out of this house.”

They ate pizza together in silence. Finally, Chloe spoke. “Lucifer, why would you let someone record you having sex?”

“Why not?”

“Someone could use it against you. You could be blackmailed. It could get leaked to a porn site. It was a very irresponsible thing to do.”

“I take it you would never consent to such a thing?”

“Of course not. Showing my boobs in a cheesy movie was bad enough. Can you imagine if it had been a porno?”

He tilted his head and looked at her. “Hmm. Yes. I can definitely imagine.”

“Lucifer.”

“What?”

“I was really jealous today. You were right.”

He met her eyes. “I know I was right.”

“But I need to just let this...crush go. We’re just too different. I like a night in with my kid doing Legos, you throw yourself into the middle of an orgy. I’m not judging you. It’s just that outside of our work, we’re just...two separate circles.”

“Circles? I don’t follow, detective.”

She grabbed a piece of paper. “Okay, look. We are a Venn diagram." She drew two overlapping circles. “There’s a Chloe circle and a Lucifer circle.” She labeled them. “Our work is where the Chloe circle and the Lucifer circle overlap.” She labeled the area WORK on the paper. “But that’s it. Nothing else overlaps.”

“You left something off.” He leaned over and scribbled on the paper. He had written BLATANT SEXUAL ATTRACTION on the diagram. “That overlaps.”

“I am perfectly capable of putting my attraction to you aside. It’s not important.”

“Why not?”

“Because I value you as a partner and I rely on you to do my job effectively. This attraction thing, it’s a distraction. I can’t get my job done well when my head isn’t in the game.”

“So you think it’s best that we are just friends?”

She turned to him and smiled. “I really do.” She took the DVD out of her purse. “So, this is for you. It’s not relevant to the case. You should destroy it.”

He agreed, and they finished the pizza. They watched an episode of _Law and Order_ , ate some Ben and Jerry’s and he left.

When she was cleaning up in the kitchen, she realized that he had left the disc sitting on the table. She picked it up and threw it in the trash.

At two in the morning, she dug it out of the trash and hid it in her underwear drawer.

*****

The next evening, Dan knocked on the front door of Chloe's apartment. She let him in. "Daddy's here, pumpkin," she called.

Dan pulled her aside. "Look, there's something I need to ask."

"Sure."

"Our sex life. Could I have done better?"

Chloe shrugged. "Does it matter anymore?"

"I just.. want to know. If I'm lucky enough to find someone to be with, in the future, I'd like to avoid the same mistakes." He sighed. "I mean, yeah, we did pretty much the same thing every time. But that was comfortable, familiar. That was enough, right?"

"Honestly? These last few years we didn't have much excitement in our sex life. It did seem really routine. Those early years together, it was fun. Unpredictable. We tried new things. We could laugh together, in bed, if they didn't work out." She sighed. "I think we could have tried harder, both of us, to say what we really wanted. To say, out loud, that things had gotten stale. We might have been able to fix that part of our relationship, if we had been honest."

Trixie came running in.  Dan picked up his daughter and hugged her. “Hey pumpkin! Are you ready for a daddy daughter date!”

She laughed. “Yes! Where are we going?’

“Mickey D’s. Then you can pick out whatever you want from the Redbox.”

“Anything from the Redbox?” Chloe asked. "Really?"

Dan rolled his eyes. “Anything G-rated from the Redbox.”

“Have fun, guys.” Chloe kissed her kiddo and waved goodbye to her ex as they left.

"Are we kid free?" Maze walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine.

Chloe grabbed her ice cream from the freezer. "We are in adults only mode."

They sat together on the couch. Chloe took a bite of ice cream and sighed. “Do you ever look back on your life and question the choices that you have made?”

Maze shrugged. “Nope.”

“You are very lucky.”

“You’re being all...emo. You got something you want to talk about?”

“No, I’m okay.”

“I thought you'd be in a great mood today, after you got laid last night.”

“There was no sex. No sex occurred whatsoever.”

Maze was aghast. “But he’s good. I mean, Clo. He’s really, really amazing.”

“That’s part of the problem. I mean, no offense Maze, but he’s had sex with everyone in L.A. Including you.”

“But not you.”

“No.” Chloe took a deep breath. “I am being mature. Responsible. Lucifer had sex with so many people over the last two months. Crazy. I should be totally squicked out, just knowing where that mouth has been. Not to mention the rest of him.”

“Two to three girls a night, the occasional dude thrown in, doesn’t seem that unusual to me,” said Maze.

“Really? You think I’m being a prude?”

Maze shrugged. “It’s just sex. I think you’re overthinking this. You want to fuck him. He wants to fuck you. So tell him you don’t want to be friends. Tell him that you want to screw him all night long. He won’t say no.”

“But he has said no before! I can’t just...proposition him. He totally turned me down once before, but I thought he was just being gentlemanly. I was all...drunk and slutty. But now....” She chewed on her thumb. “What if I put it all out there, and he says no?”

“I guarantee that he really, really wants to bang you.”

“But I told him I just wanted to be friends yesterday. He’ll think I’m nuts. Plus, I’m not sure he thinks I’m... fuckable. I don’t know what to do.”

Maze patted Chloe on the shoulder. “Look, this is just lame as hell. Why don’t I call Linda and Ella and we’ll go have ladies night? Team Tribe, girl! Sitting here on the couch eating Ben and Jerry’s, you’re just going to get more sad and even less fuckable.”

Chloe smiled. “Wow, you’re so good at cheering me up.”

“So, go put on a hot outfit. Maybe slap on a little makeup, put on some sexy shoes. I’ll meet you right back here in an hour. I’ll make sure you have a really good time tonight.” Maze grinned. “In fact, I say this evening calls for a celebration.”

“Okay. I’m not sure that celebrating the fact that I’m probably never going to get laid again is psychologically sound, but sure. Why not.”

Chloe took a long, hot shower. She pulled out her curling iron and made her hair ripple in soft waves. She looked through her closet and had a hard time finding something Maze would describe as “hot.” A short black skirt with a sparkly camisole would have to do.

She walked into the living room. Lucifer was sitting on the couch. “Lucifer! What the hell are you doing here?”

“I have come to save you from an evening of eating entirely too much Chunky Monkey ice cream and watching _When Harry Met Sally_ for the millionth time.”

“That’s really nice, Lucifer, but I’m just getting ready to go out with the girls.”

“No, this was a set up. Maze called me.”

He unbuttoned his shirt as he walked across the living room. He stood in front of her and dropped his pants. He was naked. His very perky penis was front and center.

“Oh my God. Cover up.”

“I believe there was a question of whether or not I find you fuckable. Here is your answer, detective.”

She spun around away from him and closed her eyes. He closed one hand on her shoulder. “I find the question of fuckability very interesting, actually. Because if you are upset that I don’t find you fuckable, that leaves me with a clear answer to an unspoken question.”

Lucifer reached out one hand and slowly ran it up the back of her leg. She shivered at his touch. He brushed her hair away from her ear and curled his tongue around her earlobe. She moaned.

“You know, detective, I think you find me fuckable too. Tell me. I would like to hear it, very much," he whispered in her ear.

She turned around to face him. “Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, I find you extremely fuckable.”

“In a one night stand, not interested in actually dating me sort of way?” He played with a lock of her hair, his eyes staring into hers.

She smiled up at him. “In a let’s start with one night, see each other tomorrow at work and continue to be partners kind of way. If the friends with benefits thing works for us, we can talk about taking the next step. We are two mature, consenting adults. I want you, and I can see that you definitely want me. We can have fun sex and not screw up our professional work. I’m trying very hard not to overthink this.”

“I think that’s a good idea.”

“Great. We are in total agreement.”

“So let’s have sex.” He picked her up in his arms.

“No, stop. Put me down.” He let her go. Chloe ran into the kitchen and came back to where he was standing. "Can we do this?”

Lucifer looked at the ice cream, chocolate syrup and whipped cream she was holding. “I am certainly in the mood for a delicious dessert.”

“I don’t have any cherries.”

He leaned forward and kissed her, long and hard. “I don’t think we will miss them, detective.”

The End


End file.
